I met the friendliest cop last night
You can't special order awesome
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Randomize
