if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
