I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Randomize
