please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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