Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Randomize
