do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
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