he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
