Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
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