I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
The beer is more important than you right now.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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