i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Randomize
