I'll bet she douches with gravy.
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Randomize
