I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
