If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Randomize
