The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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