What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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