There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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