If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
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