Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
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