he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Randomize
