I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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