you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
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