4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
