I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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