You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
