there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
How's work?
Spinning.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
