I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
