My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
