I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
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