Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Randomize
