I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Randomize
