im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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