Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
