The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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