I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
