sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Randomize
