Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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