Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
