On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
