I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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