i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
