bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Randomize
