Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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