In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
I am available for nakedness
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
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