I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
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