the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
