How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Randomize
