If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
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