Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
