Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
