And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Randomize
